My friends say there is no Captain Clause.But I know if I read it in the blog it must
be true.So please tell me the
truth.Is there really a Captain Clause?
Dear Virginia,
As the original version said, “your little friends are
wrong.They have been affected by the
skepticism of a skeptical age.”Evidently, some things haven’t changed since 1897.But don’t worry gentle readers, there really
is a Captain Clause.
He captains multiple teams but has time for each of his
players, not just his stars.He makes
sure everyone gets equal playing time and no one gets bumped up so they can
keep playing with their friends.In his
league, every team makes the playoffs and everyone actually plays in the
playoffs.Sectionals and Nationals
participants are based on who went last and everyone gets a turn.Anyone can play singles or doubles.And all your mixed partners are good looking.
Everyone plays for fun and the scores don’t actually count,
so no one manages or tanks.Since scores
don’t count and Nationals is decided by whose turn it is, not who wins, it
doesn’t matter what level you play – only that you have fun.Every season everyone gets the same North
Pole Tennis Association gift, sectionals T shirt and Nationals hat/towel
combo.The NPTA has very few rules and no forms to
fill out.Everyone is invited to the
year-end party for the champions and it’s always open bar.
How does he do it?How does he create so much happiness?It’s not just the spirit of the NPTA, Captain Clause knows who’s been
naughty and who’s been nice.When you
backstab your fellow team mates in hopes of more playing time, when you lobby
to play line 3 with the best player on the team, when you get on a team because
you promised to bring a 20 year old super champ with you – and you don’t, when
you get on the blog and complain about matches you know nothing about, when you
really deep down wish everyone would get bumped up so you could finally win
something, when you’re basically a jerk because things just don’t seem to go
your way, well, Captain Clause knows.
The season has just started – it’s not too late.Maybe there’s still time for Captain Clause
to bring you what you really want for this season: a monster kick serve that
jumps like a super ball, crisp volleys that cut through the court like a hot knife
through warm butter, or a blistering service return that never fails in the
clutch.Maybe even a well-disguised
inside-out backhand if you’ve been really nice.
That’s a lot to ask for but it’s not too late.Of course, as this blog has proved time and
time again, is it really any fun to be as nice as that would require?All the courts in the NPTA are indoor and
climate controlled but come on, would we really enjoy all that equality?And what would there be to bitch about?Heck, they probably outlaw lobs so you don’t
offend the elves.And I’m sure they
don’t have a blog.
So sit back, grab your key board, and enjoy.If Captain Clause plays everyone we won’t see
him in the playoffs anyway.
The first week of league is complete. Most teams decide that reporting scores is optional. It was a very uneventful weekend in Dallas but the best Dallas teams of Wagon Wheel/Rossouw did play Southlake/Dolemite. Dolemite slapped Rossouw's small roster 4-1 with the help of a default. I can't get my mind around how Rossouw can't get enough players out. Scott Baker gets beat by a 4.0 bump up 4&1. Either Baker is trying to get back to 4.0 or he is really injured. I will give him the benefit of the doubt. Since Rossouw defaulted Line 3 doubles and played someone who is clearly not ready to play, that means he could only get 5 players out. That is 5 out of 25 roster players. This is head shaking...
Since this is the Dallas league, lets talk about this rather than Fort Worth.
4.5
Flight A - This is the only flight that all scheduled reported. T-Bar has a very good team and they handled High Point with no issue. Interesting result, Carey/Modic easily took care of Newman/Voss... 0&1. I would have been surprised in Newman/Voss won that match but wouldn't guess that result. All in all, a real beat down of 5-0. I know life gets tougher on T-Bar. McKinney beats Royal Oaks 5-0. This is not a Rothwell Royal Oaks team. I wouldn't read much into McKinney being a contender. Oak Creek/Herget defeated El Dorado 4-1 but their one loss was a default. This team is.. 'experienced' but still a good team. Brookhave wins 3-2 over Stonebridge. Good match between 2 solid but not spectacular 4.5 teams.
Flight B - Rossouw was able to win the only match played/reported. They beat T-Bar and they were able to get 8 players out. Maybe the distance to Fort Worth is too much. They won 4-1 with the only loss being the usually reliable Jay Benjamin.
Flight C - Only two matches were played (or reported). Village beat Oak Creek. Village only won 3-2 over a pretty medicore team. The Village has some really good players but may have some depth issues. Too early to tell. High Point/Le lost to LB Houston. Le was more competitive than I would have thought. They lost 3-2. The pre-season tanking prediction is too early to make any decisions.
Week 1 is in the books... sorta but at least the season has finally started.
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
THE CAPTAIN AND THE FROG Be careful who you team up with
On a bright spring day a self-rate frog came hopping up to a
small stream.As he prepared to enter
the stream a scorpion dressed as a captain approached him.“I noticed you have very strong legs as you
hopped this way, not to mention a big forehand and a wicked American twist
serve.How about you give me a ride to
the other side of the stream where my team is playing and you can join us?I think you’d fit in nicely.Since I can’t swim and need the strongest of
frogs to carry me to my destination, you can swim across and I’ll ride on your
back.”The frog considered the offer but
was wary.“I was an 18 super a few years
ago and am starting to play tennis seriously again but I’ve been warned to be
careful of who I fall in with.”
”You have nothing to fear from me," said the scorpion.“True, I’ve had some scrapes with players who
have left me in the past but you won’t leave me.You'll love it here.You even look good enough that I will play
you with me in big matches.”Still the
frog was weary.But the scorpion did
seem to have a lot of other frogs and they did look pretty good playing on the
other side of the stream.“How do I know
that if I agree to give you a ride you won’t decide to sting me?” asked the
frog.The scorpion smiled, “why would I
do that?If I stung you it's true that you might die but I
would sink as well.No smart captain
would turn on one of his own frogs.”
Still weary, the young frog did have to admit that this made
a lot of sense.The scorpion would have
to be crazy to sting me.We would both
sink and drown.And if other frogs found
out about it they would reconsider ever giving him a ride again.Finally he told the scorpion to hop on and he
started out across the stream.About
half way across the frog reconsidered his decision and told the scorpion he had
decided to play elsewhere.The scorpion
began stinging him furiously until the frog was on the verge of death.“Why would you do this?” asked the frog, “now
we will surely both die.”With a broad smile
his passenger replied, “because I’m a scorpion.It’s what I do.”
The scorpion then climbed back onto the shore as a promising
new frog hopped up.
We all know that pimpin’ ain’t easy.It is time to recognize the Mack Daddy’s of
Dallas Tennis.Without captains, aka,
the Pimps of Dallas tennis, there would be no league.I’ve decided to make the first annual Pimp of
the Year for the DTA Playa’s Ball.The
rules require the pimp to get his stable of Hoes to a National ‘Playas Ball.’You must win a 2013 sectional title and it
must have men on the roster so you mixed pimps get to be a part. These hard core Mack Daddy’s all want their
money (street slang for wins)…the pimp’s money is getting those
wins…
With no further ado…Here are the candidates
We start with upper class TBar Terror. None other than Guido the Killer Pimp.
Oscar Flores-aka Guido
the Killer Pimp--Pimped his stable of hoes to a 5.0+ nationals runnerup.These aren’t your ordinary skanks.These are 5.0 hoes.These are your $1,000 per night escort hoes.Oscar and Guido know top notch talent when they
see it and use it as it should be.They
are the type that will be featured on a CNBC the Business of Pleasure documentary.We don’t see these hoes street walking at the
point.To make his hoes even hotter,
they have some 5.0+ hoes.This is
serious top shelf hoes.They finished
national runner-up.We are talking about
some serious top talent.This is a
stable of hoes that Oscar can be proud to pimp. Look for yourself, this is what a stable of call-hoes are suppose to look like.
Here
is a video of Guido himself talking to another Dallas legendary pimp Joel;
he is just letting Joel know that 5.0 hoes are his hoes and Joel better
remember not to get into his territory…
Our next candidate hails from the mean streets of Fretz and Furious. It is Willy Dynamite himself...
Keith Clark- aka Willie Dynamite—This
mild mannered business man by day and hard core pimp daddy on the weekends pimped
his stable of 3.5 40+ hoes to a Playa’s Ball Title.While Oscar had some high class hoes, these
are more the street walking skank variety.Most are over the hill and none of them were ever high class hoes to
start.From results, they appear to have
had two top producing singles player hoes
to drag them all the way to a crystal ball.The others are just over the hill lifetime skank hoes.They don’t have the sexiness of Oscar’s top
shelf hoes but pimpin’ ain’t easy and Clark pimped this group to a championship.These are some low rent hoes but nevertheless,
champion hoes. Here is a picture of the stable.
I bet these hoes will
please for a Benjamin… Who am I kidding, they would please for a Lincoln, and I'm talking the coin not the folding green variety. Here is a video of what happens if someone
crosses Willie Dynamite…
Our third candidate is the wicked witch of the DTA West Side Wagon Wheel. She is the only Madam among our esteemed playas. Miss Mona Stangley
Krista Carlson-aka Miss Mona Stangley- The Wagon Wheel Ranch
Madam is the only female on the list. She has several fillies in her
stable.She pimped her 9.0 MXD over the
hill 40+ hoes to nationals.She added James
Ribbed“for her pleasure”man and Feldman for added insurance.These are a couple of longtime Dallas top
notch hoes.They’ve been successfully hoeing
the Dallas tennis scene for years.She also
has dependable hoe Paul Kiron.No high
level Dallas stable of hoes is complete without Kiron.These are your $500/night and up hoes; she
still has a few $1,000 premium hoes like OG OscarG too. Take a look at this stable. Impressive. Easily the best looking group of hoes.
Here is her happy self singing with Burt Reynolds?. In clearly the most painful video to watch, if you feel you need to skip one, I recommend this one.
Our fourth candidate is from the High Point Hood, Goldie the Mack...
Greg Wiley-aka Goldie TheMack-Pimped his stable of over the
hill 40+ hoes to the 4.0 Playa’s ball.Looks like they got pimp slapped when they were there by superior hoes
but represented Texas at the Playa’s ball nonetheless.Looking at the picture, he has to have the
fattest hoes and the amazing thing is most play out of a fitness club.This Mack Daddy must be trying to corner the
chubby chase market. These are your $20 and $10/job crack hoes. Take a look at his stable for yourself...
He does have dedicated Hoes. One is so dedicated that his name is Ho. Hard to find that kind of dedication in pimpin' these days. Goldie is a cold blooded brother.He only cares about his bitches getting his
money (slang for wins).Take a look at a
hidden camera of a conversation with one of his hoes that didn't produce. I hope that isn't his Hoe named Ho.
AKA, Spring Park menace is our fourth nominee, The Fly Guy...
Alan Abbruzzese aka The Fly Guy–This world class pimp took
his stable of hoes to two different Playa’s Balls.This is a very impressive feat.He took them to a national runner up in 18s
8.0 mixed and then won a sectional title in over the hill 40s.Both are at 8.0 and no mixed stable of hoes
is complete without the greatest Dallas mixed hoe of all time, Mike Kelly.This is the kind of hoe that can nearly lock
down a John every time.He even added a
new blood Hoe in Kyle Davidson.Much like
Kelly, Kyle is an underrated Hoe.Most
believe he is capable of hoeing at higher levels.He and Kelly are definitely capable of hoeing
in Oscar’s high class hoe stable. Take a look at the AA's stable. He has two stables but most moonlight in the other.
In Mixed,
his stable of hoes have performed!Here
is a video of the Fly Guy walking down the street in his total pimp style with his pimp theme music...
Our final nominee comes from the Lifetime Crime family. Mr. Dolemite himself
Joel Pickett-aka Dolemite- This long time big time pimp took
his Tri-Level hoes to a national championship.This is not a sanctioned national Playa’s Ball so he will lose
points.He borrowed Alan’s top producing
Ho Kelly and went and got a Fort Worth Ho.His mid-level hoes really didn’t produce but he made Clark one of his
main bitches for this event.They won
but not a true playa’s ball takes points away.Regardless, it was some great pimpin’.This big time pimp still wins a championship at the best event in the
Playa’s circuit.Even if that event isn’t
‘sanctioned.’Gotta get props. Here is a pic of his Hoes.
As if keeping his flock in line isn’t tough enough, Dolemite
has to deal with cops framing him for tanking he didn’t commit. He and his army
of hoes wreak havoc across lifetime. Often
quoted and never forgotten, Dolemite Pickett is one bad mutha… Here is a video of
his pimping…
There you have it, your DTA candidates for Pimp of the
Year.The winner is… Alan
Abbruzzese.Any man who can pimp his way
to two Playa’s Balls in one tennis year is a man of extraordinary pimping
ability.Here is a clip of his
acceptance speech…
This annual award can go to all of you wannabe Playas. All you gotta do is pimp your stable to Nationals. There is a lot of competition and a lot of events to get you qualified. Do you have it in you? The DTA needs yo money, get more hoes! Remember, those Houston Pimps don't play nice.
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
2084 – Orwell’s dark tale of a dystopian society where every thought and deed is known by the Thought Police and reflected in your rating
A harrowing tale sure to strike fear into sandbaggers, score managers and system manipulators alike.The audience for this production will be strictly limited to men’s league players who turn 18 in the calendar year of the production or older – everyone knows women, juniors and tournament guys don’t tank, right?
In this not too distant future, the tennis world has been
divided into three superstates – Dallas, Houston and Austin.In Dallas, there exist three social classes –
the Inner Party (country clubs), the Outer Party (friends of country club
members) and the Proles (me and you).The Inner Party controls the USTA league playing population and league
results in Dallas through the creation of four Ministries, with the most
powerful being the Ministry of DTA which governs the day to day lives of the
Proles, and the Ministry of Ratings which is used to maintain the order of the
system.All of Dallas is run by Big Brother
and his Thought Police, who review every score and decide if it is correct or
should be adjusted to reflect Big Brother’s view of the truth.
Out of this dire world of control and constant historical
revisions, rises our anti-hero, Winston Smith.By chance, Winston meets Julia who passes him a note reading “We could
just play mixed”.Winston had seen Julia
in the past but avoided her since women tend to be the more fanatical followers
of the system and he had no interest in mixed.Cautiously at first, Julia and Winston begin a tennis relationship.While they must maintain the correct wins and
losses in most USTA league play lest they be caught by the Ministry of Ratings,
they soon realize that they can escape to the world of mixed which is unknown to
and unmonitored by the Ministry of Ratings.
But no one escapes the Thought Police (regular blog readers
know this because most anons can tell you what really happened in matches they
never saw).Winston and Julia are
ultimately caught, tortured and forced to change teams.Years later, a broken and bitter 55s player
now, Winston sees a broadcast by Big Brother announcing Brookhaven’s decisive
win at cities.Still bitter, a smile
comes across Winston’s face and a song begins playing in Winston’s head – under the spreading Sectionals tree, I
self-rate you and you self-rate me.For
Winston knew that Big Brother’s celebration would be short lived - Houston
would have teaching pros at 3.0, college players at 3.5, touring pros at 4.0,
and the Spanish Davis Cup team at 4.5 - and Big Brother’s days at Sectionals would
be no more.
Until then, enjoy the 8.0 mixed city playoffs this
weekend.Good thing all of you seem to
get along so well.
