Thursday, April 17, 2014

Yes, Virginia, there is a Captain Clause


 
 
Dear Murray,
My friends say there is no Captain Clause.  But I know if I read it in the blog it must be true.  So please tell me the truth.  Is there really a Captain Clause?


Dear Virginia,
As the original version said, “your little friends are wrong.  They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age.”  Evidently, some things haven’t changed since 1897.  But don’t worry gentle readers, there really is a Captain Clause.

He captains multiple teams but has time for each of his players, not just his stars.  He makes sure everyone gets equal playing time and no one gets bumped up so they can keep playing with their friends.  In his league, every team makes the playoffs and everyone actually plays in the playoffs.  Sectionals and Nationals participants are based on who went last and everyone gets a turn.  Anyone can play singles or doubles.  And all your mixed partners are good looking.

Everyone plays for fun and the scores don’t actually count, so no one manages or tanks.  Since scores don’t count and Nationals is decided by whose turn it is, not who wins, it doesn’t matter what level you play – only that you have fun.  Every season everyone gets the same North Pole Tennis Association gift, sectionals T shirt and Nationals hat/towel combo.   The NPTA has very few rules and no forms to fill out.  Everyone is invited to the year-end party for the champions and it’s always open bar.

How does he do it?  How does he create so much happiness?  It’s not just the spirit of the NPTA, Captain Clause knows who’s been naughty and who’s been nice.  When you backstab your fellow team mates in hopes of more playing time, when you lobby to play line 3 with the best player on the team, when you get on a team because you promised to bring a 20 year old super champ with you – and you don’t, when you get on the blog and complain about matches you know nothing about, when you really deep down wish everyone would get bumped up so you could finally win something, when you’re basically a jerk because things just don’t seem to go your way, well, Captain Clause knows.

The season has just started – it’s not too late.  Maybe there’s still time for Captain Clause to bring you what you really want for this season: a monster kick serve that jumps like a super ball, crisp volleys that cut through the court like a hot knife through warm butter, or a blistering service return that never fails in the clutch.  Maybe even a well-disguised inside-out backhand if you’ve been really nice.

That’s a lot to ask for but it’s not too late.  Of course, as this blog has proved time and time again, is it really any fun to be as nice as that would require?  All the courts in the NPTA are indoor and climate controlled but come on, would we really enjoy all that equality?  And what would there be to bitch about?  Heck, they probably outlaw lobs so you don’t offend the elves.   And I’m sure they don’t have a blog. 

So sit back, grab your key board, and enjoy.  If Captain Clause plays everyone we won’t see him in the playoffs anyway.
 

54 comments:

  1. Captain Clause and his league sound like what Obama is going for with our country. Merit is out, and welfare is in.

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    Replies
    1. Obama has more hair than our fearless leader.

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    2. And less self righteous indignation. They both walk around with a who farted look on their face.

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  2. Where are all the participation ribbons? We used to get a single sweat band or bug spray and chapstick.

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  3. Why are the reindeer and elves practicing their serves outdoors; Murray said all the courts at the NPTA are indoors and climate-controlled.

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    Replies
    1. Once again, Mr. Claus is making me question if he is real.

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    2. Captain Clause's drills are so popular that they have to run them outside. And well they should be, if you'll notice everyone but the snowman has a serve that looks just like a right handed McEnroe. Frosty just can't generate the much leg drive without that deep knee bend.

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    3. My captain made me play with that Snowman.

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    4. My captain thinks I am that Snowman

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  4. Dear Captain Clause: If I promise not to tank, will you get me a free membership to Canyon Creek so that I am rich and famous like all the members? You can do it, after all your initials are the same as Canyon Creep.

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    Replies
    1. Steve Nolen has more pull than Captain clause at Canyon Creek.

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  5. I want to play on a Captain Claus team. It is the best of all worlds, I can still suck and get quality playing time while losing but actually still get to advance. My buddies that suck worse than me get to play too. This is a brilliant!

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  6. Why doesn't everyone look at Freeman's latest 4.0 team addition.

    http://www.collegetennisonline.com/TexasA-MUniversity-M-Tennis/Player.aspx?plId=17289

    Corey, Marc and Brandon, here is a 4.0 that would absolutely rape your behated Kelly. Even for the most diehard tanking apologetic, this should shame you.

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  7. Holy shit! Look what Santa brought Freeman. Houston looks more and more like Puerto Rico every year.

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    Replies
    1. You can tell the HTA does not police their players like the DTA does ours. We need to ship Rossouw down there to help. He would miss ten days of Mike Kelly.

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    2. D1 top 50 nationally ranked junior playing 4.0. That redefines tanking. For all you bozos worried about whether Tony Le gets to 4.0 or not, look this kid up and find out why it doesn't matter.

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    3. Rossouw's 4.5s couldn't beat that guy. Marc would bust a blood vessel if he had to play in Houston.

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  8. Wow so he tanked 3 matches in 5.0 and dropped to 4.0 I guess. If USTA doesn't do anything about this the system is even more of a joke.

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    Replies
    1. This is a good job for Klamecki

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    2. Klamecki has too many vendettas against Dallas players to worry about this.

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    3. I will guarantee they won't do anything. This is 100 times more egregious than the Kelly antics. David Guy who tanked with him is a stud and has no business at 4.5.

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    4. He didn't tank ALL his matches. He did win the Open Doubles in the Sports Express tournament. Pahahahahhahaaaa...

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    5. Hunter dropped from 5.5 to 4.0

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  9. I thought you had to play four or five matches to get an actual computer rating though?

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  10. We have people over here complaining about Arcaria getting back to 4.0 and Freeman pulls this off. Le, Newman, Voss, Arcaria and others would just be fodder. It isn't like they are that dominant when they are 4.0. They are good 4.0s and that is all.

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    Replies
    1. Rally behind Freeman to win since Dallas can't! Arcaria never played singles at 4.0, but now it's "for fun" at 4.5. The quickest way back is singles beatdowns! Everyone knows it.....not the wind, rain, snow.

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    2. Arcaria did play some singles a 4.0. It looks like mainly tournaments though.

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  11. Somehow this guy gets beat 3&2 in doubles last night. I hope it is bad karma because Freeman's vaunted Hurricanes ended up losing 3-2 last night.

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    Replies
    1. Thus the reason jerk Russouw will never have a good team nor let anyone else. He has ruined Dallas tennis w his policing. If I am Kelly I say screw it and move down to 4.0. Your best 4.5 in Texas and he is under scrutiny, IN HIS OWN CITY! Learn from Houston!

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    2. Freeman has raised the bar so much higher in Houston for 4.5 and 4.0 that now the second and third place teams in Houston hammer Dallas. While Rossouw, Klamecki and the like have made sure Dallas tennis gets worse and worse just so they can have a shot at winning cities. Raise the bar and win, don't dumb down the competition so you can win.

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  12. Well said. As long as Kelly and players like him are constantly critiqued, manually overridden and under scrutiny Dallas goes nowhere, period. Hell, Kelley not even interested and is just making a game out of this. Russouw and company are pathetic, and finally everyone seeing it. Houston players and captains have no watchful eye or captains that want so bad to win they hurt their other local teams chances. Dallas tennis a joke, Houston rules !!

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    Replies
    1. The main Houston captains have responded to Freeman like competitors, not bitches. They have made their own teams better to be able to compete. They didn't spend their entire life trying to tear down Freeman's guys so they wouldn't actually have to work at it. The problem in Dallas is that too many people want to win with their friends instead of putting in the work necessary to field a better team. So they attack everyone else instead of getting a better team.

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    2. I think everyone is all for getting better by having players improve.

      Unfortunately, a select few think that getting better means building a team full of tankers and self-rates.

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    3. I must have missed something. What's wrong with self rates? No one new can come into the system?
      And with all due respect to 'the tankers', a lot of those guys aren't good enough to play hard and stay at the next level. I know a number who want to stay at their new higher level like their egos depend on it. They just can't. Some of this stuff is wrong but it isn't as black and white as people seem to think.

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    4. Exactly, some of them just aren't 4.5 material. They can try hard and may still not stay.

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  13. I've been a way and did I read that Freeman got a former A&M player on his 4.0 team? I just read his bio and the guy was top 50 in 18s singles and top 10 in 18s doubles. This guy is closer to 6.0 than 4.0.

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    Replies
    1. You could get Rossouw to write a letter.

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    2. Think he used his complaining capital in vain.

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    3. No, they got several people manually adjusted. Kelly was the only one that fought it. And they're still at it, just quieter this time.

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  14. Hey 9:56 (Pickett), justify it all you want. Wrong is wrong, and right is right and what Freeman is doing with his Aggie superstar at 4.0 is wrong and so is most of what you try and pull off!

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    Replies
    1. Sounds like your season probably ends early each year

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    2. There is also difference between right, wrong and you just don't like it. A lot of what's complained about on here falls into the last category.

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    3. Freman has a 5.5 playing 4.0. Pickett's never gotten close to that. Sure, he wishes he could but this sets the bar at a whole new level.

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    4. Picket? No, he hasn't but what about Bender?

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    5. Freeman's Aggie superstar was nearly killed in a motorcycle accident and is nearly crippled. The guy cannot move at all- 6.0 strokes, 1.0 movement. So Freeman's magic really isn't that magical

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  15. The kid that played at A&M on Freeman's team was in a life threatening motorcycle accident a couple of years ago. He's lucky to be walking, much less playing tennis.

    So while he may be doing well and probably better than 99% of the rest of the 4.0 field even after he's recovered, I think an injury exception was probably warranted.

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    Replies
    1. He has won open level events since the accident

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    2. True, but I would have to assume he applied for the injury exception after he was back on his feet, and maybe as he got better, he got into a small Open level event. I'm just saying, give the kid the benefit of the doubt. That was probably a horrible ordeal.

      Nah, nevermind. He's on Freeman's team. He's a cheater. :)

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    3. I'd expect a full recover from a tennis standpoint by sectionals 2015

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  16. Murray - can you come up with a new thread. Things are getting stale.

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  17. I wish that when I was playing tennis, we had a Captain Clause. On my high school team, nobody got equal playing time. There were specific girls who played every game and the rest of us were lucky if we got any court time. I would love to pick up playing again because I really do love the sport. I heard they're putting in some new synthetic courts near my gym. Maybe I'll check it out and get back into the game. http://www.premiersportsleisure.com.au

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