10 Players on Your Team Roster...

 

 

#1 — The Official Awesome Clothes and Equipment Guy

You don’t know exactly what his salary is, but it’s apparently more than yours. Or, if he does make what you make, he is spending 90-percent of his income on tennis equipment when he should be spending it on lessons. He’s got several top-of-the line state of the art new Wilson Pro Staff RF97 and certainly had a Prince Boron in the 1980s.   He wears those new Roger Federer Vapor shoes that match his Roger Federer outfit for each Grand Slam.  He even has the matching head band and moisture-wicking performance apparel under his clothes, wrist bands and an expensive 15 racquet combi bag to keep it all in. Estimated retail price: way, way, way too much for a tennis league that has a grand prize of a $4 clean up towel.

It’s all well and good, though, as long as this guy isn’t control of any sort of budget at work. If he is, expect your company to go under by the end of the year, just after his $400,000 remodel of the reception area is completed.

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#2 — The Injury Machine

He has yet to make it through a single season without suffering a major injury. Sprained ankle, torn hamstring, broken finger. There was even that time he got attacked by a swarm of bees in returning serve from the ad-court. Cal Ripken played 2,632 consecutive baseball games against the greatest competition in the world; this guy can’t even make it through 2 sets and a Super Tiebreak.

And while his injuries hurt the performance of your tennis team, it’s even worse having to listen to him groan about them.

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#3 — The No-Show

League team isn’t mandatory and everyone has — or tries to have — a life outside. So sometimes it can be a challenge to wrangle up 8 players for a match. It’s even more of a challenge when you suspect that one of your teammates who has confirmed they’ll be there won’t show up.

You: Really? Are you sure you can make it this week? Because you left us in a bind last week. And the week before.

No-Show: Oh, definitely. I’ll be there. There was just a miscommunication with my wife about picking up the kids last week. I’ll be there Saturday. You can count on me.

You: Alright. You are our eighth player. We’re counting on you. Be there by 2 pm, okay?

No-Show: I’ll be there by 1:30.

By the time 3:30 rolls around, your team is one player short and giving a default. Oh, well. At least the team always has a good excuse for sucking.

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#4 — The Ex-Tennis Star

He played in high school, maybe even college, and he’s the most talented player on your team by far. There is pressure on him to perform. And he’s feeling it. Maybe that’s why he’s swinging so hard and killing the windscreen. Really, really, really hard.

Ah, jeez. There’s another hard hit passing shot. It’s an easy 6 feet out. All you needed was to put the ball in a square big enough to land a helicopter.  But it was an impressive miss. No one else on your team could hit it even half that hard or that high up the back fence. Who cares that he’s going .500. He intimidates the opposition.

And remember that one match last fall when he stomped Mike Kelly? That was easily one of the greatest moments in the history of the team. 

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#5 — The Drunk

In the parking lot before the match he’s drinking. He’s drinking during the match between changeovers. And all he talks about between swigs is where everyone wants to go out after the match. It’s very likely he has a serious drinking problem. But then everyone has known that since he drunkenly dry-humped a fake tree during the team after party.

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#6 — The Hot Girl on Your Mixed Team

She might be an intern, she might just be a young, attractive teammate for morale purposes. But she looks really good in a short skirt and a tight t-shirt. Has she ever played tennis? She looks really good in a short skirt and a tight t-shirt. Could it be argued that the team would be better if she wasn’t invited to play? She looks really good in a short skirt and a tight t-shirt.

Also, running or bending. She looks really good when she’s running or bending. Can’t forget that. She looks amazing when she’s running or bending.

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#7 — The Tennis Girl on Your Mixed Team

She is awesome at tennis and often on a Springpark mixed team. She played tennis in school and is a great athlete. She routinely hits the aces when they move in for her serve, assuming no girl has that kind of power. She’s one of the only players on the team who can hit an overhead out of the air without making it an adventure. Unfortunately for her, almost no one notices any of this because she doesn’t look quite as good in a short skirt and a tight t-shirt as that other girl.

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#8 — The Guy Who Brings His Kids

Lots of people on the team hate The No-Show, but at least he doesn’t use the team as his after-hours child care. And the worst part, now everyone has to watch what they say and do because little kid ears are present. Thanks a lot for making a non-working activity even more restrictive than being at work, fella.

The Drunk doesn’t play by the G-rated rules, however. “Hey, Tom’s girl — how old are you? Eleven? Dammit. You look older.”

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#9 — The Moron

Somehow this person grew up in America playing sports yet has almost zero understanding of the rules of Tennis.  He runs to the net regardless of the situation.  And whenever he asks the score, he wants to know how many “points” each team has.  He has no concept of where to stand on the tennis court. You have to repeatedly remind him when it is his turn to serve and which side he is returning.

Why is he even playing tennis? Who knows. He might just be so dumb that he thinks he’s playing cricket.  After all, he plays tennis like he does cricket.

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#10 — The Guy on Your Team Because He Has Friend on the Team and He really Sucks

Competitors at the Special Olympics don’t get more encouragement than this guy.

“Great Stroke! It will reach the net next time!”

“Oh! Bad break there. Not your fault.  It must have hit a rock and that is why you whiffed.”

“No worries. You got beat by that guy and I doubt anyone else could win that. Productive loss!  Thanks for taking one for the team.”